France: A Much Too Civilized Place

letter from london to friend 2002.

I am most likely meeting my brother in France on the 2nd and 3rd of September,

at some destination which goes by the designation of Juan Les Pin,

and is situated just near Antibes on the southern coast just south of Nice.

A much too civilized place if one where to inquire after me,

but since I was absent from my brothers wedding

I find it only ethical to pay visit to he during his vacation.

He will be accompanied by his wife,

and I shall meet him and his spouse with neither wife, nor horse or house.

I shall drink heavily and verbally abuse his wife with insulting and inflammatory statements,

while soiling the sheets in their hotel room with my debauched evening pursuits

of wine and orgy with middle aged French women of low standing.

I shall be drunk and marry every moment,

and I shall expose the most horrendous episodes of my brother’s childhood

and university years to his wife’s virgin ears.

I will then sink into a depressed mode upon my leaving

and ask for forgiveness from the both of them,

while stating that I had been overcome by tremendous stress

due to my school work.

When they look at me in discomfort and confused judgment,

yet on the verge of accepting my apology,

I shall heave stomach fulls of vomit in front of them

as well as all in the hotel lobby, as I say goodbye and depart.

I have never been to France ,

but what I know of the French,

and their self-righteous demeanor

has left a most powerful resentment

in the depths of my soul,

and I shall leave France

only when it is certain

that I have made a gigantic imprint

in the memories

of these overly chivalrous reptiles.

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