The Second Coming of Christ (in 3 pts)

Jesus fetus was flung to earth for the second coming, but the pitcher in heaven who tossed the fetus in the direction of earth was slightly off, therefore the fetus, slimy and dripping, landed two miles from manger, and hit a women on the face as she was strolling in a parking lot in South Jersey.

The screaming slimy Jesus fetus is mistaken for a fleshy alien from another planet, and is whisked off to a US military installation, and placed in an incubator, for observation.

Pt. 2

Eventually Jesus grows to full adulthood, and in America and the world, he becomes a false representation of an alien from a planet that does not exist, making appearances on talk shows, writing books, and even being a spokesperson for Nike Shoes.

One day, during a book signing in Greenwich Village’s Washington Square Park, Jesus is struck in the head with a Frisbee and suddenly regains his true identity.

No longer catering to the commercial market, writing books, and attending UFO seminars, Jesus, springs to life with his true identity, and begins harassing free enterprising folk who sell wears and hot dogs on the streets of Manhattan. In need of some income he decides upon becoming a pizza delivery boy for Pizza Hut, seeing it also as an opportunity to proselytize those Americas who rarely leave their houses and prefer boxed pizza on a couch to steaming pizza on a restaurant table.

Pt. 3

One day during a delivery, as Jesus strolled along the route balancing pizza boxes and bibles in both hands and arms, a piano begins to fall as it was being hoisted up to a 7th floor walkup apartment.

Jesus and the pizzas are crushed instantly, leaving little resemblance on the sidewalk between the two. The bibles tumble and fall into the street, catching themselves under the tires of slowing cars, eventually to remain mangled not far from the remains of Christ, the pizza, and a broken Steinway.

Two weeks later, as one walks by the site that saw Jesus become unified with pizza sauce and pepperoni, a Casio can be heard, the sound coming from the 7th floor window. And one will get glimpse at wreath which lay along the road in memory of the Jesus fetus mistaken for an alien, who regained his identity due to a frisbee.

moral of the story: If you buy a piano, insure it before the delivery.

June 17, 2011 at 3:56pm

adapted from a text message to friends